Care To Try

Wo-man flu

06 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment

by 2ctt in Daily

I have flu and a sinus infection and basically feel like crap. I feel pretty bad cos I haven’t been able to do much lately, though I have been keeping up with my job search and have had a few interviews (yay!) but didn’t get any of the jobs (boo!). Mostly though just trying to sort out the flat is exhausting me. We decided that we’d like to get a 5 day lodger to help out with the bills till I find something. So I have been trying to clear and redistribute the crap that’s in the spare room. Those of you who have crafting tendencies will realise, you accumulate a lot of stuff. I sew, crochet, knit, paper craft, bake and many more things I can’t think of right now and I have all the trappings. So the spare room is clear but everywhere else looks like a bomb hit it! I think I’ve got it figured out though. I will rearrange some things and it will work. I just have to feel well enough to do it.

I’ve also been doing some secret crafting but because I’ve been sick on and off for a month (and I never craft when I’m sicksomething about sewing germs into something seems wrong), it’s taking too long and I fear I am going to have to come clean and tell otherwise the giftee might think I’ve gone a bit crazy. It promises to be really cute, though time consuming!

Ok, gotta go wake up BC. Have a great day people.

Uh oh Spaghetti-O’s

09 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment

by 2ctt in Daily

Recently our friends L+L and baby N came over ours for a BBQ. It was nice until I realised L wasn’t drinking anything other than water… BC just shrugged it off but I knew. When we’d been over there a few weeks before hand I called it on seeing what looked suspiciously like the bottle for prenatal  vitamins and I just got that vibe.

Saturday we were sposed to be going to another friend K’s house for dinner, I kept asking BC to check what was going on, because we’d heard no more, but got nothing. So day before yesterday, BC got an email asking if we were still coming to dinner at L+L’s house. Of course we responded that we were already expected round K’s house, but were told that it had been moved to their house for convenience. Which was fine until I saw the guest list included 8 other people, in their small flat, something fishy is going on here! Time to batten down the defences it’s announcement time, I am sure of it!

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. It’s just overwhelming how sad I feel for me. I feel really bad that how sad I feel for myself over rides my desire to be happy for them. I’ll suck it up though, I’ll smile and congratulate them, play with baby N, stuff my face with carbs I shouldn’t be eating and all that jazz… All the while thinking why not me, don’t I deserve it? Is that even the right word, does anyone deserve to have children?

I feel slightly at odds with myself too because after I got out of hospital. I said I’d never be that person. On and off diets, doing all kinds of exercise I hate. I did all that before, I was healthy, I swam 2 -3 times a week, I cycled, walked and tried to be a good person. During that time I had the 2nd longest spell of not getting a period I’ve ever had and then at the end of it I had a mini stroke. How does that even happen?

I’m still doing it though because I will try anything to get my reproductive system on track again. It even seems to be working a little. I had that surprise of a period in July the second in August, almost text book and I’m pretty sure no.3 is on track too, touch wood (FYI AF dropped in mid posting). All the while though, it just feels hopeless. Though I seem to be getting my cycles on track, I have little hope this will turn into a baby. BC and I hardly ever have sex any more and while I should take his EDD as a slight against me it still stings a little.

The icing on the cake though, is that we have accidentally booked our wedding on Mothers Day. If it wasn’t so tragic it would be funny. I have been moping about this all week but we just have to suck that up too, don’t we?

Any way more important things to do like job searching and going to the post office and replying to emails.

The perfect conditions

25 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment

by 2ctt in Daily

Well I did set up remote posting but it didn’t work obviously. Not sure why I shall have to tweek it. We’ve been away, come back, lost 6 pounds, gained 2 back oops, I’ve had 2 cycles (2!!), all exciting stuff.

It would seem to be more perfect still that I’m pretty sure I ovulated today, perfect CM, a little spotting, a little cramping, BC and I had an argument this morning and he has a gum infection and therefore isn’t feeling sexy.

Bung hole.

30 day shredding it

27 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment

by 2ctt in Daily

For a long time this blog has kind of lacked direction. Our fertility issues are kind of stagnating partly due to not  being able to get a referral and partly through my cycle being non existent! The first part I can do little about right now but the latter I can try and help along by losing some weight. I have been going to Zumba for about 2 months now and I LOVE it. Seriously, if you haven’t tried it, go now! It’s like an exercise party, rather than an uphill slog, so much fun even if you can’t dance. Although Zumba is good, working out just one time a week is just not going to cut it. I’d like to join another Zumba class but the ones I can get to on time are a bit more expensive and we are on a budget!

So I decided, after hearing my SOL was trying it, to do the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. Ever watched The Biggest Loser? She’s on that, the American version any way. Obviously on Mondays I will have Zumba (apart from today), so I will do that as normal on those days and follow The Shred the other 6 days. I had a look at the video and there are a couple  of bits I can’t do because of my wrists issues but I’m sure I can work in something else there. Plus I really want to add in more to work my core. It looks doable and the results I’ve seen on some other blogs look amazing, just google 30 day shred blogs and see what comes up!

I took my measurements before I start and I hadn’t realised how much I’d put on . Last time I measured:

• Bust: 39″
• Arms: 10.5″
• Waist: 34″ (at the widest point, 31 at the smallest!)
• Hips/Butt: 39″
• Thighs: 23″

I don’t weigh but I’m aiming to lose 15 inches or approximately 1 stone/14 lbs. I think that’s a realistic goal so hopefully I can keep to it. Good thing about having PCOS is that you gain muscle faster than normal if you work at it.

So I’m hoping to update everyday here, let you know how I’m finding it, how easy/hard the workouts are and any noticeable improvements before I reach the end. If you’re doing, have done or decide to join me in doing the 30 Day Shred please let me know. I’d love to see your journey!

N.B BC is a semi qualified personal trainer so I feel comfortable getting him to amend my work outs to suit me. You probably should not deviate too much from the work out if you don’t know what you are doing!

Furbabies

26 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment

by 2ctt in Daily

Just a quick update…We have a cat! Actually she was my moms and we are looking after her a while. Her name is “T” and we love her. She’s about 10 years old but she’s cute as a kitten and loves to play catch the ribbon and prance around like an idiot. It’s adorable.

Allergies allowing we might get to keep her. She’s great company!

I know a lot of you have furbabies, I didn’t know what I was missing out on .

My body is working against me

20 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment

by 2ctt in Daily

Pretty much since Christmas I have felt so tired. For a few weeks a put it down to the after effects of flu but 6 weeks later I was still not sleeping well. Waking dozens of times a night sometimes. After having a minor breakdown at work and BC mentioning I was sleeping weirdly as well, I took myself off to the doctors. I thought they were going to poo poo it as getting older etc etc but the doctor seemed quite concerned. He thought it sounded as if my airways were closing in my sleep. He said it could be one of three things the most obvious but not so likely is OSA or Obstructive Sleep Apnoea. We’re hoping it’s not that because it’s a pretty bleak diagnosis. The second probability is my thyroid acting up. I have tested this many times before and it’s always been fine but we’ll see. Also not sure how that effects the sleeping but I’m not a doctor. Before I left I had him check my throat as it has felt dodgy since Christmas too. He said my tonsils were up slightly. That, because I have a narrow throat any way, could be obstructing my airways at night.

I feel like I’ve taken two steps back. Maybe not quite back, maybe sideways. Either way I’m not moving forward. I’ve not gained any weight which is good but I haven’t been getting the exercise I wanted to due to the exhaustion. Merely cleaning the house can take me out for days! Luckily sewing and crafting I can do sitting down but even then I can doze off sitting right in my seat. It’s really weird.

So I go for blood tests Tuesday at 07.30 (!!!) and then we shall know more. Meanwhile I am going to try and keep up my activity levels, apparently losing weight can help if it is OSA and also if it is thyroid function. I’m keeping up the brisk walk after work even though it exhausts me. I’m doing myself good though!

So, 5 more pounds to go till I reach my fertility specialist weight goal. 15 away from my personal goal. Not doing too bad considering!

I’m still alive

07 Feb 2011 2 Comments

by 2ctt in Daily

Thought I should check in. I haven’t really felt like blogging but maybe a couple of you are wondering what is going on with me or more specifically us.

OH is still here. He came back the next day and though I couldn’t have him in the same bed I couldn’t have him wandering the streets like a homeless. Obviously it’s been a while since it now. I thought about it, asked questions, cried a little, got another apology, cried some more and basically lived in limbo for a week. I came to the conclusion that I either had to make a break or stay. I’m sure you can guess what I chose.

It’s still a little sore, a simple thing like searching my mailbox for an email reminds me. I’m hoping that feeling fades and I can learn to trust him again. I think I am naturally a jealous person though I try to reign it in and be reasonable but I can see that side of me coming out more. I resent him going out with friends and was really miffed that he’s started logging out of his facebook etc every night (I asked about it, he said he felt like I was checking up on him. I said I shouldn’t have to but he can look through my emails etc any time he likes. He stopped logging it out after that). I don’t want it to be like that but I guess it will take time.

Before Christmas we booked a trip to Dublin for Valentine’s Day. I’m hoping it will help us reconnect and mend what was broken. I’ll let you all know how it goes.

Floodgates have opened

21 Jan 2011 1 Comment

by 2ctt in Daily

I’ve gone from one extreme to the other. When I had to explain to my boss why I couldn’t come in today. I just lost it  on the phone. At least it wasn’t in person. I’ve been crying on and off since then. Don’t you hate that awful juddery feeling you get between cries? Maybe only I get that…

I sent the other woman a message. I know I shouldn’t have but I wanted to know, wtf? Why did you do it?? According to her she thought it was a mutual arrangement that I was aware of. In her words “I was under the impression that you two SHARED certain fantasies as a couple”. This is news to me. Surely if these were fantasies we shared I’d be privy to them at  some point? Been involved in whatever role they were playing rather than being in the dark about the whole thing.

At the moment I don’t see an immediate answer. I hope my mom gets my message soon.

Bombshell

20 Jan 2011 1 Comment

by 2ctt in Daily

I feel as if I haven’t blogged in forever but it’s really not that long. I needed to get this out somewhere but it’s not strictly fertility related. It does however have something to do with BC.

As I was looking for a link today at work it suddenly occurred to me on my way home that we had sent it from BC’s email and not mine. I was hoping he’d left his email open and luck of lucks he had. So I did a quick search through the sent items and found what I was looking for. As I was trying to resend it to myself I found that the stupid screen had decided to go back a page I tried to click back quick and ended up in a chat history by mistake. What I saw gave me a shock. Quite explicit messages that were not sent to me. I dunno why I did but I went further into this chat, it was only a few to and throws saved. I found not only explicit text but explicit pictures as well. To top it off this was someone I thought was my friend he was chatting with.

As you can imagine I was fuming. Literally shaking with anger. I slammed the laptop shut and threw it on the sofa as if it burned. BC was out for drinks with his mates. I called him and told him to come home, NOW. Of course he asked why and I told him I saw what was in his email to which he replied “Oh it means nothing”. I told him there were pictures too. He tried to say something but I cut him off. I told him he had better come home and hung up.

When he got here he said he’d been thinking about it on the way home and he shouldn’t have said what he said obviously it did mean something but it wasn’t serious. I asked why? Clichéd I know, but I wanted to know. There was no answer just that it happened sometimes and it was just sillyness. I asked him to show me the rest of the chats. He didn’t want to but started looking for them. What I looked at had to be near the top of the list but that’s not what he showed me, instead showing me other innocent looking chats. To me that just says it all. Like I am some kind of idiot walking around with blinkers on.

I told him I’d rather he found somewhere else to sleep tonight. I wasn’t angry or tearful I was quite matter of fact. This is all pure BS I just don’t need right now. I can’t even cry. I have been barely scraping by emotions wise before this and this is just the icing on the cake so to speak. I feel so hurt and used and humiliated.

I don’t know what to do. Do we talk about it? Do I let him come back? Are we still engaged? Do I still book the bloody reception venue??

Starting to get impatient

07 Jan 2011 1 Comment

by 2ctt in Daily

Where is my period? I’m starting to get impatient for it to come. This is the longest it’s ever gone.

I feel a bit like I’m in no mans land and can’t move forward at the moment. Not very inspiring. I’m keeping up with my improved diet. I eat a good 2-3 portions of fruit a day at the moment which is usually some kind of juice or smoothie (I only drink enough to get one of my five a day not the whole bottle), satsuma, green grapes and of course my first love, lychees. Although I could sit and eat a whole bag of lychees I have been restraining myself! I usually have some veggies with lunch and dinner so that’s my full five a day. I’ve resisted treats all but today and even then it was just a couple of chocolates. I feel I am doing well in that respect. I’ve not done much in the way of excercise though. I did one bit of “dancercise” but I think I am a bit fatigued still from the flu. I also have a longer commute, which includes a longer walk so I guess that bumps it up a little. I hope to do better next week.

I got hit with the B bomb a couple of times this week and apart from obsessing over going past messages etc looking for clues and wondering why they left it so long to tell me, I’m not really glum about it. I don’t feel anyway about it, which is ok I guess.

In other news BC’s mom had a fall on new years eve. She refused to go to hospital until Thursday when I guess the pain got too much and we found out she broke both her shoulders! We’re going over there tomorrow to take her a card and see how she is. One side needs operating on too so BC will go along with them to the hospital and give his dad some support. I really hope it all goes ok and it’s just a day surgery so pray for that for me!

It’s almost midnight so this isn’t a very detailed post but I least I got some of it down.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Oh and I forgot to do my rainbow!

The rainbow of my week was getting a new job so quickly and being made to feel so welcome by everyone there. It really is a pleasant to go to work again. BC says I’ve come home happy and animated each day, even though I am dog tired.