Bombshell

20 Jan 2011 1 Comment

by 2ctt in Daily

I feel as if I haven’t blogged in forever but it’s really not that long. I needed to get this out somewhere but it’s not strictly fertility related. It does however have something to do with BC.

As I was looking for a link today at work it suddenly occurred to me on my way home that we had sent it from BC’s email and not mine. I was hoping he’d left his email open and luck of lucks he had. So I did a quick search through the sent items and found what I was looking for. As I was trying to resend it to myself I found that the stupid screen had decided to go back a page I tried to click back quick and ended up in a chat history by mistake. What I saw gave me a shock. Quite explicit messages that were not sent to me. I dunno why I did but I went further into this chat, it was only a few to and throws saved. I found not only explicit text but explicit pictures as well. To top it off this was someone I thought was my friend he was chatting with.

As you can imagine I was fuming. Literally shaking with anger. I slammed the laptop shut and threw it on the sofa as if it burned. BC was out for drinks with his mates. I called him and told him to come home, NOW. Of course he asked why and I told him I saw what was in his email to which he replied “Oh it means nothing”. I told him there were pictures too. He tried to say something but I cut him off. I told him he had better come home and hung up.

When he got here he said he’d been thinking about it on the way home and he shouldn’t have said what he said obviously it did mean something but it wasn’t serious. I asked why? Clichéd I know, but I wanted to know. There was no answer just that it happened sometimes and it was just sillyness. I asked him to show me the rest of the chats. He didn’t want to but started looking for them. What I looked at had to be near the top of the list but that’s not what he showed me, instead showing me other innocent looking chats. To me that just says it all. Like I am some kind of idiot walking around with blinkers on.

I told him I’d rather he found somewhere else to sleep tonight. I wasn’t angry or tearful I was quite matter of fact. This is all pure BS I just don’t need right now. I can’t even cry. I have been barely scraping by emotions wise before this and this is just the icing on the cake so to speak. I feel so hurt and used and humiliated.

I don’t know what to do. Do we talk about it? Do I let him come back? Are we still engaged? Do I still book the bloody reception venue??

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