Often, on the way to work, I will think of things I want to blog about. Mostly by the time I get home I will forget so I try to get some covert blogging at work. Hiding my screen when ever someone walks past and sometimes abandoning posts altogether as my anxiety about getting caught writing about infertility rises.
Infertility is my guilty little secret.
When people ask when we are going to be having kids I politely say “At some point, maybe”. When BC loudly announces we will be on it ASAP I silently curse him and give him a kick under the table. I don’t want people to know we are struggling. I don’t want people to speculate when I put on a few pounds if I might be. I don’t want people to give “helpful advice” like, it will happen and just relax. Although I’ve told my sisters and mama, I’ve only brushed the surface. Talking to someone face to face about my failings to reproduce just seems so hard.
I also tried to see if there was a meet up group in London that I could join but it seems no one is interested in discussing their fertility with strangers in person either.
Isn’t it weird, you want to share your story with complete strangers but people you know have no clue? Also, should you tell people? Is it fair? Will it even make it easier. It’s a confusing time.
One of my favourite IF related blogs does a great thing where she ends her posts with a positive which I’m going to try and do too. Rounding up each post with where I am cycle wise and the rainbow to my day.
Cycle wise: Nada, nothing is happening at all. BC is on higher dosage depression meds so baby dancing events are few and far between and when we do we are not getting the good stuff where it needs to go IYKWIM.
The rainbow to my rainy day: When I get home there will be a big pile of yummy fabric waiting for me I got for a bargain price.