Uh oh Spaghetti-O’s

Recently our friends L+L and baby N came over ours for a BBQ. It was nice until I realised L wasn’t drinking anything other than water… BC just shrugged it off but I knew. When we’d been over there a few weeks before hand I called it on seeing what looked suspiciously like the bottle for prenatal  vitamins and I just got that vibe.

Saturday we were sposed to be going to another friend K’s house for dinner, I kept asking BC to check what was going on, because we’d heard no more, but got nothing. So day before yesterday, BC got an email asking if we were still coming to dinner at L+L’s house. Of course we responded that we were already expected round K’s house, but were told that it had been moved to their house for convenience. Which was fine until I saw the guest list included 8 other people, in their small flat, something fishy is going on here! Time to batten down the defences it’s announcement time, I am sure of it!

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. It’s just overwhelming how sad I feel for me. I feel really bad that how sad I feel for myself over rides my desire to be happy for them. I’ll suck it up though, I’ll smile and congratulate them, play with baby N, stuff my face with carbs I shouldn’t be eating and all that jazz… All the while thinking why not me, don’t I deserve it? Is that even the right word, does anyone deserve to have children?

I feel slightly at odds with myself too because after I got out of hospital. I said I’d never be that person. On and off diets, doing all kinds of exercise I hate. I did all that before, I was healthy, I swam 2 -3 times a week, I cycled, walked and tried to be a good person. During that time I had the 2nd longest spell of not getting a period I’ve ever had and then at the end of it I had a mini stroke. How does that even happen?

I’m still doing it though because I will try anything to get my reproductive system on track again. It even seems to be working a little. I had that surprise of a period in July the second in August, almost text book and I’m pretty sure no.3 is on track too, touch wood (FYI AF dropped in mid posting). All the while though, it just feels hopeless. Though I seem to be getting my cycles on track, I have little hope this will turn into a baby. BC and I hardly ever have sex any more and while I should take his EDD as a slight against me it still stings a little.

The icing on the cake though, is that we have accidentally booked our wedding on Mothers Day. If it wasn’t so tragic it would be funny. I have been moping about this all week but we just have to suck that up too, don’t we?

Any way more important things to do like job searching and going to the post office and replying to emails.

 

 

The perfect conditions

Well I did set up remote posting but it didn’t work obviously. Not sure why I shall have to tweek it. We’ve been away, come back, lost 6 pounds, gained 2 back oops, I’ve had 2 cycles (2!!), all exciting stuff.

It would seem to be more perfect still that I’m pretty sure I ovulated today, perfect CM, a little spotting, a little cramping, BC and I had an argument this morning and he has a gum infection and therefore isn’t feeling sexy.

Bung hole.

30 day shredding it

For a long time this blog has kind of lacked direction. Our fertility issues are kind of stagnating partly due to not  being able to get a referral and partly through my cycle being non existent! The first part I can do little about right now but the latter I can try and help along by losing some weight. I have been going to Zumba for about 2 months now and I LOVE it. Seriously, if you haven’t tried it, go now! It’s like an exercise party, rather than an uphill slog, so much fun even if you can’t dance. Although Zumba is good, working out just one time a week is just not going to cut it. I’d like to join another Zumba class but the ones I can get to on time are a bit more expensive and we are on a budget!

So I decided, after hearing my SOL was trying it, to do the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. Ever watched The Biggest Loser? She’s on that, the American version any way. Obviously on Mondays I will have Zumba (apart from today), so I will do that as normal on those days and follow The Shred the other 6 days. I had a look at the video and there are a couple  of bits I can’t do because of my wrists issues but I’m sure I can work in something else there. Plus I really want to add in more to work my core. It looks doable and the results I’ve seen on some other blogs look amazing, just google 30 day shred blogs and see what comes up!

I took my measurements before I start and I hadn’t realised how much I’d put on :(. Last time I measured:

  • Bust: 39″
  • Arms: 10.5″
  • Waist: 34″ (at the widest point, 31 at the smallest!)
  • Hips/Butt: 39″
  • Thighs: 23″
Admittedly this was a few years ago but still. Bad, bad, bad now:
  • Bust: 43″
  • Arms: 11.5″
  • Waist: 38″ (at the widest point, 34 at the smallest)
  • Hips/Butt: 44″
  • Thighs: 26″

I don’t weigh but I’m aiming to lose 15 inches or approximately 1 stone/14 lbs. I think that’s a realistic goal so hopefully I can keep to it. Good thing about having PCOS is that you gain muscle faster than normal if you work at it.

So I’m hoping to update everyday here, let you know how I’m finding it, how easy/hard the workouts are and any noticeable improvements before I reach the end. If you’re doing, have done or decide to join me in doing the 30 Day Shred please let me know. I’d love to see your journey!

N.B BC is a semi qualified personal trainer so I feel comfortable getting him to amend my work outs to suit me. You probably should not deviate too much from the work out if you don’t know what you are doing!

Furbabies

Just a quick update…We have a cat! Actually she was my moms and we are looking after her a while. Her name is “T” and we love her. She’s about 10 years old but she’s cute as a kitten and loves to play catch the ribbon and prance around like an idiot. It’s adorable.

Allergies allowing we might get to keep her. She’s great company!

I know a lot of you have furbabies, I didn’t know what I was missing out on :).

My body is working against me

Pretty much since Christmas I have felt so tired. For a few weeks a put it down to the after effects of flu but 6 weeks later I was still not sleeping well. Waking dozens of times a night sometimes. After having a minor breakdown at work and BC mentioning I was sleeping weirdly as well, I took myself off to the doctors. I thought they were going to poo poo it as getting older etc etc but the doctor seemed quite concerned. He thought it sounded as if my airways were closing in my sleep. He said it could be one of three things the most obvious but not so likely is OSA or Obstructive Sleep Apnoea. We’re hoping it’s not that because it’s a pretty bleak diagnosis. The second probability is my thyroid acting up. I have tested this many times before and it’s always been fine but we’ll see. Also not sure how that effects the sleeping but I’m not a doctor. Before I left I had him check my throat as it has felt dodgy since Christmas too. He said my tonsils were up slightly. That, because I have a narrow throat any way, could be obstructing my airways at night.

I feel like I’ve taken two steps back. Maybe not quite back, maybe sideways. Either way I’m not moving forward. I’ve not gained any weight which is good but I haven’t been getting the exercise I wanted to due to the exhaustion. Merely cleaning the house can take me out for days! Luckily sewing and crafting I can do sitting down but even then I can doze off sitting right in my seat. It’s really weird.

So I go for blood tests Tuesday at 07.30 (!!!) and then we shall know more. Meanwhile I am going to try and keep up my activity levels, apparently losing weight can help if it is OSA and also if it is thyroid function. I’m keeping up the brisk walk after work even though it exhausts me. I’m doing myself good though!

So, 5 more pounds to go till I reach my fertility specialist weight goal. 15 away from my personal goal. Not doing too bad considering!

Starting to get impatient

Where is my period? I’m starting to get impatient for it to come. This is the longest it’s ever gone.

I feel a bit like I’m in no mans land and can’t move forward at the moment. Not very inspiring. I’m keeping up with my improved diet. I eat a good 2-3 portions of fruit a day at the moment which is usually some kind of juice or smoothie (I only drink enough to get one of my five a day not the whole bottle), satsuma, green grapes and of course my first love, lychees. Although I could sit and eat a whole bag of lychees I have been restraining myself! I usually have some veggies with lunch and dinner so that’s my full five a day. I’ve resisted treats all but today and even then it was just a couple of chocolates. I feel I am doing well in that respect. I’ve not done much in the way of excercise though. I did one bit of “dancercise” but I think I am a bit fatigued still from the flu. I also have a longer commute, which includes a longer walk so I guess that bumps it up a little. I hope to do better next week.

I got hit with the B bomb a couple of times this week and apart from obsessing over going past messages etc looking for clues and wondering why they left it so long to tell me, I’m not really glum about it. I don’t feel anyway about it, which is ok I guess.

In other news BC’s mom had a fall on new years eve. She refused to go to hospital until Thursday when I guess the pain got too much and we found out she broke both her shoulders! We’re going over there tomorrow to take her a card and see how she is. One side needs operating on too so BC will go along with them to the hospital and give his dad some support. I really hope it all goes ok and it’s just a day surgery so pray for that for me!

It’s almost midnight so this isn’t a very detailed post but I least I got some of it down.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Oh and I forgot to do my rainbow!

The rainbow of my week was getting a new job so quickly and being made to feel so welcome by everyone there. It really is a pleasant to go to work again. BC says I’ve come home happy and animated each day, even though I am dog tired.

Happy New Year!

Hey everyone. Happy New Year. I hope it brings good things for you all.

Unfortunately my Christmas was a bit rubbish, the day after I cam back to work after my holiday I went down with what I thought was some kind of stomach bug. Then my sickness continued right up until boxing day. I had 3 days off in that time and ended up getting sacked. Ho hum c’est la vie… Bonus for the new year though I am finally feeling my old self AND I lost quite a bit of weight since my appetite was at 0 percent for about 2 weeks straight. I pretty much ate nothing but fruit and a little bread. So I dropped one dress size without even trying and I’m trying to keep it  off.

I’ve still not seen nor heard anything from my cycle. Typical that this year she should not show up at christmas as is usual. I’m not sure exactly how much weight I’ve lost. I keep forgetting to weigh when I visit moms but it hasn’t seemed to kick start my innards as yet. So I have been busying myself with other things. It will soon be too late to feasibly become pregnant and get back in shape before the wedding so I am preparing myself mentally for the break.

As is traditional this time of year I’m making a few resolutions:

  1. Eat and drink more regularly. It’s not really rocket science but I tend to forget to eat and drink healthily throughout the day. This means having healthy snacks about the house. Those of you with PCOS probably already know you should try and keep your blood sugar levels even. Smaller meals supplemented with healthy snacks helps. We’ve started this already by keeping plenty of fruit I can eat around the house. I love Lychees yum yum.
  2. Look after myself body and mind. Another no brainer but a necessary on this list. I can sometimes put looking after myself on the back burner in favour of more fun pursuits. So this means wrapping my hair each night to help prevent breakage, being bothered to go to the salon for a trim and treatment (I hate going to the salon with a passion, it takes tooo long!), deep moisturising for my Psoriasis and mind wise practicing meditation techniques and remembering to pray.
  3. Exercise more. I’ve already been living this one out a bit but I want to keep it up. Dancing in my craft room is now a regular occurrence. I work in some step aerobics as well. A good friend of ours is moving back home to Australia and gifted me his old bike. There are lots of bike routes near us so hope to get out and about on the bike too. I’m thinking 2 times a week building up to 4 times a week at some point.
  4. Buy myself new clothes! Seriously I have a distinct lack of clothes but I normally walk into a clothes shop and walk straight back out again because I just can’t choose, the queues are too long or I feel like I shouldn’t be spending money. I think having some nice clothes to wear would help my self esteem some too.
  5. Cook more. Right now BC cooks most of our meals. I am not a very good cook, I just don’t like it. Give me a cake to bake and I am happy but ask me to make dinner and it doesn’t go well. I’d like to be able to have dinner ready when my hubby comes home some days! Even if it’s something simple.
  6. Keep the house clean. It’s not as bad as it has been in previous years but it’s starting to creep back there. BC is not a naturally tidy person and it doesn’t bother him. Neither am I but it does bother me, especially when guests drop in unexpected. It’s mortifying! I’ve signed up for the Fly Lady’s Newsletter again and have started small. I keep my craft room as organised as possible in the small space and try not to let craft things encroach on the rest of the house. One project out at a time! Next stop is organising the living area, after the Christmas stuff comes down.
  7. Blog more. Even when I don’t feel like it. This is supposed to be a virtual diary but I’m not doing a very good job of documenting my life. Must try harder!

I think that’s enough to be getting on with for now. Let’s hope I can stick to them!

Sorry I’ve been AWOL

We went on holiday. I took my laptop but the internet connection was completely rubbish. We’re home now though after a week with the outlaws and our nephews. We had a really great time. I wish we’d had 2 weeks booked! I put on the few pounds I lost… POOP. God knows how with all the cycling, swimming and tennis we did but any who.

The weekend after we got back we baby sat. It was a bit daunting. I thought maybe it would be too much for me, though I haven’t been feeling to sore over the whole fertility thing lately. Boy was it hard work. Poor baby J had a little stomache bug (which we now have and it’s not nice at all) and was grizzly alot of the weekend. The times he was happy though were priceless. He’s suddenly discovered a love for his walker and will run the length of the living room arms out like it’s the greatest thing ever then look at you and laugh. Sweetest thing ever. He also did 3 massive poos which it would have been nice if he saved for his mum and dad but we forgive him lol. Getting him to sleep was trying. He got himself so worked up and I felt so sorry for him but eventually he went off about 9pm which was a bit of a result because we let him nap and he’s usually cranky till 10 we were told. Once he was down we played a bit of D&D with the boys which they loved. All in all we really enjoyed looking after all three of the boys. Glad to catch up on some sleep though!

No rainbow of my day as, as you can see I had a rather rainbow week!

I’m sick, again

I seem to spend my whole life saying that. It’s been coming a while, I was still in denial yesterday. I’m all like, it’s just allergies. I probably didn’t rinse those raspberries well enough… But no, TMIA, but I knew when the green stuff started coming out of my nose and I got up every 2 hours to have a drink and/or pee.

Luckily it’s the weekend. Unluckily I am going to Winter Wonderland at Hyde Park with the in laws and I can’t miss it again this year, it’s not fair. Also, on Monday I am going to see Kelis, FOR FREE! Can’t pass that up people.

So last night I went to bed early (after making 25 cake pops, I was in denial remember…) to try and ward off the cold allergies. I don’t feel awful now just very bunged up.

I’m really looking forward to Winter Wonderland. I love christmas and will go to any christmas event I can drag BC to!

Anyone know any home remedies to unstop my nose? Already tried steam and vapours. Only works while I’m in them…

Hope all you Americans had an excellent Thanksgiving. I dunno how you all cope with 3 massive eating days so close together lol.

What’s going on?

I haven’t felt much like blogging lately. Mostly because nothing interesting has been happening. I’ve been going to work and coming home again and that’s about it. No cycle to report on either. Then I got a book, it’s called How to Deal with PCOS, or some such, for Dummies. I started reading it wondering what new insight it may give me and not holding out much hope. As I was reading one part about weight loss/gain it suddenly occurred to me. I should be aiming for a weight when I still had periods. I know for some of you that must seem like duh! but stay with me now.

When I first started my periods at about 10 years old, they were really irregular and stayed that way up until I was around 16 years old. Although I’ve always been quite big boned, with big boobs (a DD at 15!) I was at the lower end of the healthy weight range, even dipping under at some points. I went to the doctors numerous times but they didn’t really care. Only one doctor bothered to give me a scan to discover I had multiple cysts on my ovaries but I was only fully diagnosed with PCOS last year.

As I left my angsty teenage years I put on some weight and started to look healthy. My body seemed to even out and I gained a sort of rhythm. I started to really tune into my body, even back then I was worried about infertility as I found out my mom had infertility treatments to have me. I got to know my cycle pretty well and though it was a bit longer than most at 45 days, they came. I started to relax a little, the weight started to creep on, I didn’t know enough about PCOS to know that was bad. I decided I was getting a little too dumpy and started swimming and cycling more and than oops, I have a mini stroke. Mini is wrong word "Major infarction" is written on my chart. Regain my life but have little enthusiasm for exercise, scared of having another episode in the pool, too frightened to cycle with poor balance. Spent a couple of years recuperating and thought I could cycle again, but no longer have bike. Meet BC and is love at first sight. Immediately think of starting a family, periods have started getting more irregular. Periods stop. Suspected MC then nothing…

So my goal of trying to get to the lower end of my ideal BMI, I don’t think is the right path for me. I need to find my happy place, which was when I was further up the BMI chart which seems a little more achievable and has given me more motivation. I think the thought of slimming that much made me think of when I was thin but miserable and the thought made me miserable. Now though, I have renewed vigour!

BC and I have started going for long walks every other day, 30 – 40 mins (BC walks fast so I don’t even have to specify brisk!). That’s in addition to my commuting walk I’ve already been doing. I have a mini dance party in my craft room at the weekends. I use the step in the hall as an aerobic step to amp it up a bit. I need to do a bit of resistance training but I have trouble with both my back and wrists so prolly need professional advice on that. Running has never appealed before but I’m starting to think it might. At least until I finally get a new bike, BC’s is far too big for me. I adjusted my diet a little again, although I still have cake, I try and make healthier versions like my carrot cake I make with half sugar half sweetener. I may try wholemeal flour too. I actually think it will add back the density you lose by using sweetener so win, win.

I will get that off, now I’ve said it, you have to hold me to it. 😀

The rainbow to my day: The family has started back on and it’s one of my favourite programs. Finally something good to watch on TV! Also, finding Pomegranate and Raspberry Fruitiser for 50p each for the LARGE bottle!