Recently our friends L+L and baby N came over ours for a BBQ. It was nice until I realised L wasn’t drinking anything other than water… BC just shrugged it off but I knew. When we’d been over there a few weeks before hand I called it on seeing what looked suspiciously like the bottle for prenatal vitamins and I just got that vibe.
Saturday we were sposed to be going to another friend K’s house for dinner, I kept asking BC to check what was going on, because we’d heard no more, but got nothing. So day before yesterday, BC got an email asking if we were still coming to dinner at L+L’s house. Of course we responded that we were already expected round K’s house, but were told that it had been moved to their house for convenience. Which was fine until I saw the guest list included 8 other people, in their small flat, something fishy is going on here! Time to batten down the defences it’s announcement time, I am sure of it!
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. It’s just overwhelming how sad I feel for me. I feel really bad that how sad I feel for myself over rides my desire to be happy for them. I’ll suck it up though, I’ll smile and congratulate them, play with baby N, stuff my face with carbs I shouldn’t be eating and all that jazz… All the while thinking why not me, don’t I deserve it? Is that even the right word, does anyone deserve to have children?
I feel slightly at odds with myself too because after I got out of hospital. I said I’d never be that person. On and off diets, doing all kinds of exercise I hate. I did all that before, I was healthy, I swam 2 -3 times a week, I cycled, walked and tried to be a good person. During that time I had the 2nd longest spell of not getting a period I’ve ever had and then at the end of it I had a mini stroke. How does that even happen?
I’m still doing it though because I will try anything to get my reproductive system on track again. It even seems to be working a little. I had that surprise of a period in July the second in August, almost text book and I’m pretty sure no.3 is on track too, touch wood (FYI AF dropped in mid posting). All the while though, it just feels hopeless. Though I seem to be getting my cycles on track, I have little hope this will turn into a baby. BC and I hardly ever have sex any more and while I should take his EDD as a slight against me it still stings a little.
The icing on the cake though, is that we have accidentally booked our wedding on Mothers Day. If it wasn’t so tragic it would be funny. I have been moping about this all week but we just have to suck that up too, don’t we?
Any way more important things to do like job searching and going to the post office and replying to emails.